Love v Being Loving
everything is love in progress
There is an intoxicating trap that almost everyone walking a spiritual or self-development path experiences. The phase where we discover that Love is everything.
We touch a state of higher awareness, whether through meditation, a sudden shift in consciousness, or deep inner work, and we realise that the universe is inherently inclusive. At the absolute level, love has no boundaries. It doesn’t discriminate. It holds the saint and the sinner in the exact same embrace.
But things get incredibly messy when we try to drag that absolute truth down into the messy, dualistic reality of everyday human life without adapting it. We confuse the inclusiveness of love with what is actually loving. And those two things can look entirely different depending on where you are standing.
Stage 1: The Matrix of Attachment (Conditional Love)
At the earliest stages of awareness, love is highly exclusive, survival-driven, and bound by terms and conditions.
The Vibe: “I love you because you meet my needs, match my worldview, or make me feel safe.”
The Reality: This isn’t inclusion; it’s a tribal boundary. Anyone outside the boundary, or anyone who breaks the unwritten contract, is cast out. It’s comforting, but it’s claustrophobic.
Stage 2: The Green-Light Trap (The Illusion of Universal Inclusion)
Then comes the awakening. The heart cracks open, the mind expands, and we realise that everything is interconnected. This is a profound leap, but it almost always triggers a spiritual adolescence.
The Illusion: Because we see that everything is worthy of love, we assume we must tolerate, accept, and include everything and everyone in our immediate, physical reality.
The Consequence: Boundaries dissolve. In the name of being ‘spiritual’ or ‘open-hearted’, we say yes to toxic dynamics, bypass our own intuition, and tolerate bad behaviour. We confuse unconditional love with unconditional access. We think setting a boundary is unloving because it isn’t “inclusive”.
The Reality Check: Absolute inclusion is a state of consciousness, not a relationship strategy.
Stage 3: The Sword of Discernment (What is Truly Loving)
As awakening matures, you realise that while the absolute truth remains, everything is fundamentally one, the relative world requires sharp, uncompromising discernment.
But there is a massive trap here: the ego loves to hijack this stage. It takes the need for boundaries and uses it to feel superior, turning clean discernment into bitter, self-righteous judgment.
True maturity requires us to separate the two entirely:
Judgment says, “You are bad, wrong, and spiritually inferior to me, and I am rejecting you because of it.” It comes from tension, creates separation, and leaves a residue of bitterness.
Discernment simply says, “I see exactly where you are, and I see that your current behaviour is destructive. I wish you well, but you cannot be in my space.” It is neutral, clear, and carries no emotional charge.
When you discern without judging, you drop the need to fix, change, or condemn the other person. You allow them to be exactly who they are, fully included in the absolute reality of love while cleanly choosing not to participate in their chaos.
Here is how that looks in practice:
The Inclusiveness of Love (Absolute): Holds space for the entire spectrum of human experience.
What is Loving (Relative Action): Recognises that some behaviours are destructive and must be stopped, without needing to label the person as ‘evil’.
The Inclusiveness of Love (Absolute): Recognises the inherent divinity in a chaotic or dysfunctional person.
What is Loving (Relative Action): Closes the door, and walks away not to punish them, but to protect your own alignment.
The Inclusiveness of Love (Absolute): Is vast, silent, and boundary-less.
What is Loving (Relative Action): Is precise, active, and speaks a clear, definitive “No” from a place of neutral clarity.
At this stage, you understand that a boundary is often the most loving thing you can offer.
Saying “No, you cannot treat me that way” is loving to yourself because it protects your peace. But it is also incredibly loving to the other person, because it refuses to enable their lowest egoic patterns. You can hold someone in total love within your heart, completely free of judgment, while removing them from your physical experience.
The Spiritual Gaslight
There is a brilliant concept in A Course in Miracles that explains exactly why this stage feels so uncomfortable. It points out that what the ego labels as “resistance” or “attack,” the Spirit recognises as genuine progress.
When you first start choosing what is actually loving over blind inclusion, your ego will gaslight you. It will look at your new boundaries and whisper: “You’re backsliding, being exclusive, cold, and resistant to love.”
Don’t believe it because the ego only panics and throws a tantrum when its survival is threatened. That guilt or friction you feel isn’t a sign you are failing; it’s the exact proof that you are growing. What the ego calls a spiritual mistake, Spirit sees as a massive step forward.
The Ultimate Paradox: Fierce Grace
True spiritual maturity isn’t soft, fluffy, or endlessly permissive. It is fiercely compassionate.
When you navigate from this deeper place, you stop trying to look saintly by accepting everything. Instead, you look at what a situation actually needs to evolve. Sometimes it needs a soft embrace but often, it needs a lightning bolt of truth.
The next time you feel guilty for setting a boundary, cutting a tie, or speaking an uncomfortable truth, ask yourself: Am I trying to perform the ‘inclusiveness of love’ to avoid conflict, or am I actually doing what is loving?
Love is wide enough to hold the entire universe, but it is also sharp enough to cut away what no longer serves the whole.
